Everything is heavy. My tongue. My tears, my mouth.
I cant pinpoint and describe this overwhelming feeling of weight I have over me.
I am lost.
And i am forever losing.
It seems that in this mess is where i lose myself. Dreaming of lonliness as my great solution.
Singing myself lullabies into isolation.
It seems wherever i go the wilderness finds me.
It seems whoever i find they lose me to that.
I can't seem to find anyone to bring me back.
I wear guilt like skin, so used to being a burden.
Too much but too little.
I'm just too much but too little.
I dont know where im going or who i hope to be.
I feel like a fraud when im happy.
I feel too exposed when im down.
I'm uncomfortable with being comfortable.
And yet i crave safety like oxygen.
Its all so fucking self absorbed.
I hate myself for putting the time into hating myself.
That is the most wasteful part of all.
And now. Here. I feel like im losing again.
Its like meeting an old friend.
I try so hard not to hide from this side of myself.
But im embarrased because of my selfishness and my inability to stop.
I want to hear you here.
I want more than anything for you to know me.
Because sometimes im so afraid of myself.
But you're not.
And i feel tiny.
I am so envious for your ability to be normal, or a shade closer to it im in awe.
But sometimes, if you don't let anything get to you.
Then nothing gets to you.
And then you'll be just as lonely as me.